Mainstream Jazz Day with Malcolm Earle Smith was great! Check out the first video on YouTube - Swingin' the Blues
Monday, 31 May 2010
Monday, 10 May 2010
Greek Song
Check out the video on YouTube!
Amid the global turmoil of the early 21st Century, with the Nations of the World ravaged by War, Famine, Terror and Slump, millions of small personal stories played themselves out to an audience of one. These we are happy to forget.
But let us now begin to remember the strange tale of one Dozee Raasclaat, Poet Laureate of England, just as we have always remembered the apple of Harold’s eye, the arrow falling from the tree, and the wart on Jenkins’ ear.
A culture of drug, alcohol and burger abuse, combined with the softening of the brain synapses from prolonged exposure to pap, had created a huge surge in dementia. We began to be old much younger; so much so, they say, that forty was the new eighty. Care Homes were in crisis. They could not cope with the influx of the new geriatrics, nor with their lifestyle. For this generation of wrinklies had been raised on MDMA, Hip Hop and Vodka Red Bulls, and had little interest in Jigsaw Puzzles, Val Doonican or Horlicks.
Enter Dozee Raasclaat. In an inspired stroke of the turntable, this gifted poet transformed the frenetic hustle of Grime into something sexy and beautiful; a new beat for a new time.
He called his music Dubcrip.
yeah man, slow it down
slow it down
know what I’m sayin’
know what I’m sayin’
Narrow-minded critics and prudes attacked him; he had enemies among the Establishment. But none could stand against the wave of love that flowed towards Dozee Raasclaat, as he worked tirelessly to bring the rhythms of Dubcrip to every Old Peoples Home in the country. Soon the man they called the Jolly Rapper was made Poet Laureate.
As quickly as he rose, he also fell.
Here is how it happened, in his own words....
let’s slow it down, man
let’s slow it down
know what I’m sayin’
know what I’m sayin’
Know what I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’
My operation is hip
My name is Dozee Raasclaat
My music is Dubcrip
They’re wiggin’ it and diggin’it
Where the Jolly Rapper roam
Cos it’s slimy and it’s grimy
Like a Old Peoples Home
Me cyaan believe they ‘cuse me
O’ corrup wrinklies wid me rhyme
It’s their last bit o’ sex an’ violence
Before they run out of time
I am the Poet Laureate
Soon I should be knighted
Me cyaan believe that Englan’
Wan let me be extradited
Judges call me evil
And traitor to the Crown
It’s because the lady love Dubcrip
That’s why they wan’ bring me down
They don’ like me rappin’
It goes against their grain
They don’ like sexy music
I know you know what I’m sayin’
Know what I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’
I’m sayin’ my operation is hip
I’m saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat
I’m saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip
All them TV people
Don’ know what they’re talking ‘bout
This is how it happen
Straight from the donkey’s mouth
The Acropolis nightclub
Wan’ me for a guest
To play my Dubcrip music
They know I am the best
So I’m chillin’ and swillin’
With a cold beer and sarnie
The sun is very hot
An’ I fancy some punani
An I’m chattin’ wid a lady
Who wan’ see me decks
An’ I offer her some Es
In return for oral sex
Den her bruvver come at me
Give me grief for a full minute
He cuss me mum and sister
So I cut his head off, innit?
I excape the club security
Like fallin’ off a log
But before I leave the country
I rape the lady’s dog
Payback for her family
For lack of politesse
That’s why I done the poodle
An’ left the bruvver in a mess
But this poodle was a mongrel
An’ a slapper on the sly
She would drop her panties
In the blinkin’ of an eye
An ‘she goes blinkin’ an’ droppin’, droppin’ an’ blinkin’
Over and over again
Now poodles don’ have panties
But I know you know what I’m sayin’
Know what I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’
I’m sayin’ my operation is hip
I’m saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat
I’m saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip
Because o’ my drug history
I ‘ave a bad case o’ HIV
An’ so do all the dogs in Greece
All because o’ me
Now this little nugget here
I ‘ave it from a vet
A junkie dog owner
Share a needle wid his pet
An’ soon in short order time
His Aids become full blown
His Brain Box ‘ave flown open
His brain cell all ‘ave flown
An’ this man go crackers
When an’ where he wan’
But he was a manager
Of a Nuclear Plant
An’ because o’ all the virus
He get from the poodle bitch
The man become confuse
Wid the button an’ the switch
That was one big explosion
Blew Athens into space
Now God and Mister Plato
Are talkin’ face to face
Nuclear conflagration
Is not insured by Lloyds
An’ all them lickle islands
Turn into asteroids
An’ as for Mister Icarus
The one the sun cremates
He’s unexpectedly joined in ash
By millions of his mates
Me I’m back in Blighty now
Me Auntie’s on the phone
She say ‘Turn on the telly
There’s a hole in the Eurozone’
Me legs are all atremble
It’s exactly what I feared
Me turn on the telly
An’ Greece ‘ave disappeared
Rap rap rap at the front door
The pigs wid their mornin’ knock
Babylon arrest me
Put me under key and lock
But me laughin’ in the courtroom
When they call me the next day
For the Greek legal system
Is in the Milky Way
There’s no way they can get me
There’s no-one to complain
I dispose of all the victims
I know you know what I’m sayin’
Know what I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’
I’m sayin’ my operation is hip
I’m saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat
I’m saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip
But by some European pokery
They jigger me right through
International Tribunal
Or some such motley crew
An’ even though I ‘pologise
For the junkie and his pet
An’ though they owe me big time
For clearing the Greek debt
An’ even spite I change my plea
To musical insanity
The court ‘ave found me guilty
O’ crime against Humanity
An’ now they extradite me
I’m sayin’ Toodle Pip
Me gwaan away a lang lang time
All because the lady love Dubcrip
Anyone like sexy music
Get ready for some pain
The state will victimise you
I know you know what I’m sayin’
Know what I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’
I’m sayin’ my operation is hip
I’m saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat
I’m saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip
Know what I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’
I’m sayin’ my operation is hip
I’m saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat
I’m saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip
And so we said goodbye to the Jolly Rapper, the man who gave a whole new generation of geriatrics a whole new beat.
As the remains of Greece finally drifted back to Earth, pieces were collected, collated and
reassembled, this time in the form of a gigantic prison island, the first of the Jumbo Jails with which we are now so familiar.
Fittingly, Dozee Raasclaat was the first, and for many years, the only inmate.
But early onset dementia swept through Europe, and gangs of senile pensioners for a while took control of the shops and shires. Eventually military rule restored order, and Platoville (as it came to be known) became the designated home for the hordes of feral fogies made prisoner in the brutal crackdown.
Global warming cheered everyone up, and in this new relaxed atmosphere, Dozee Raasclaat was appointed Head of Music and Rhyme in the Prison City of Platoville. He spent his last years as happily as his first, once again bringing jolly sexy music to the oldtimers of Europe.
“... Know what I’m sayin’, know what I’m sayin’
I’m sayin’ my operation is hip
I’m saying my name is Dozee Raasclaat
I’m saying my music is Dubcrip, Dubcrip, Dubcrip....”
© Nick Weldon May 2010
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