Thursday, 25 February 2010

Tyger Song

Check out the video on Youtube!

Tiger Tiger in the rough
How many holes will be enough?
What immortal bunker shot
Could stop your gonads getting hot?

How many eagles lifted high
Could distract your roving eye?
How many birdies on green sward
Could make you sheath the old pork sword?

No flag exists you cannot find
Is this done by power of mind?
Or does each pulsing hammer blow
Issue from a realm below?

Tiger Tiger in the rough
Your face is made to polish muff
Thence your cheeks most holy shine
Your perfect round of sixty-nine

You're the one the girls all like
Driven as the balls you strike
Men feel you enrich their lives
Unless by chance you shag their wives

You're the best we've ever seen
Straight and true from tee to green
Your message must not be denied
By second comings multiplied

Tiger Tiger in the rough
You cannot be a powder puff
Your place is in the mad abyss
Not in cosy household bliss

In our ordered neighbourhoods
Your are the monster in the woods
Shred the captain's tidy coat
Eat his nuts, rip out his throat

We watch you, we who are so chaste
With mix of envy and distaste
With horror we admire the beast
But all wouldst gaily share the feast

Drives approaches chips and putts
Merge into the lips and butts
Of women you would some day woo
Hence your aim so straight and true

And many trophies on your shelf
Symbols of your inner self
Of tournaments of sexual fun
Objects once pursued and won

Tiger Tiger under par
Whom you do is what you are
No skill you'd have, or wondrous craft
But for the hands around your shaft

Tiger Tiger in the rough
How many holes will be enough?
What immortal bunker shot
Could stop your gonads getting hot?

© Nick Weldon February 2010

Posted via email from nick weldon's posterous

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Onion Song - a poem from Oedipus Interruptus, the Jazz Cook

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My mother spoke her love, but not without contradiction
For she was a writer, surrounded by her own fiction
When I was a nipper, imprisoned in my local school
One fine spring day, I was made to appear a fool
It was the time of the daffodil competition
In which I had the hopeful and tender ambition
To have a tall strong yellow flower, to be the best
But my shoot was very tiny, when compared with all the rest
The judges nicely do not laugh, instead they bite their lip
They say "that is an onion bulb, we recognise the tip"
My mother lives in many worlds, and all inside her head
She lost my daffodil, and planted onion in its stead
I left my manhood in the earth, it is such a shame
My shoot is dwarf and shrivelled, my mother is to blame

I have discovered since, my Ma is not so silly
For like the daffodil, the onion is a lily
Asparagus and garlic, and also the shallot
Are also family members, and this explains a lot
Narcissus, the daffodil, stared much into a lake
Obsessed with his appearance, and this was a mistake
For men do not need mirrors, they must find themselves in action
When my mother killed my daffodil, this was a benefaction
For when I found the onion, I also found the route
To be a man, shape the world, however small my shoot
Now I have my restaurant, with its four Michelin stars
My mother has a chateau, and I have thirteen cars
"Don't remain a child", my therapist gave me warning
Now I love onions, and I chop them every morning

All because a little bulb my mother once mistook
I'm Oedipus Interruptus, they call me the Jazz Cook!

© Nick Weldon February 2010

Posted via email from nick weldon's posterous

Friday, 12 February 2010

Piggy Song - a poem from your MP

Check out the video on Youtube!

I am the MP for Northampton South
My existence is mainly hand to mouth
All the fruits of this wonderful land
Go into my mouth, out of your hand
You scrimp and you save, I know what that means
I use your moolah to butter my beans
I thank the Lord for this garden of earth
I thank him again for the gift of your birth

Too lazy to think, or bother your heads
You just want to drink, and stay safe in your beds
Begrudge me my castle, my KitKats, my moat?
You lurk in allotments, too sluggish to vote
I get to banter and barter and preach
While you dream of futures beyond your reach
I have the power, the glory, the will
You have your leisure, and my hefty bill

I have expenses, they're part of my life
I have horses, and children, and a greedy wife
Her club is Harrods, her tits are divine
As long as there's cash, they will always be mine
She runs the office, employed by the state
To type, make tea, and copulate
She's my PA, my harlot, my friend, and my nurse
Her undies are silk, from the people's purse

I often get lonely, so far from my home
The castle near Scunthorpe, apartment in Rome
Town house in Mayfair, flat in South Ken
I tire of my travels, and now and again
Ski-ing in Verbier, on the beach in Peru
I lay down my snorkel, and I think about you
I'd like to be poor, and hang up my socks
Down by the arches, in my own cardboard box

But my job description is to speak for you plebs
While pounding the flesh of grimy celebs
And cruising the Strand in a luxury car
With cocaine dispensers, and caviar
And boys in white satin, champagne on tap
And cabinet documents deep in my lap
I've read the outlines, no time to read more
Tomorrow is Thursday, we're going to war

Tommy is off on a mission to Hell
He's English and barmy, he does it so well
National Pride has been slipping of late
Soon we must pay him a half decent rate
But this is a cost we shall quickly recoup
By halving his kit, and feeding him soup
The comfort of Tommy is high in our thoughts
We'll send him to battle in T shirt and shorts

As the gunfire rumbles, my belly rumbles too
I wave the people's chequebook, I know just what to do
Hungry little piggy, snozzle in the trough
Snuffle in the truffle, just can't get enough
It's an arrangement of culture and class
You pay for the pleasure of wiping my arse
I salute the Nation, it's you I have to thank
Cos I'm a little piggy, and you're my piggy bank

© Nick Weldon February 2010

Posted via email from nick weldon's posterous

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Sperm Song - a poem for John Terry

Check out the video on YouTube!