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Here at Chilcot, we work to a very simple plan
To keep the English people as toasty as we can
It’s an ancient technology, brought on the long boats
When the Vikings invaded, in their pink duffel coats
With their snuggly pillows and fluffy eiderdowns
We became so warm to dream, and soothe our Saxon frowns
If we leave one sorrow writ upon History’s final page
‘Twill be that duvets were unknown till after the Ice Age
We let the dinosaurs take power, ceded them the light
While we huddled in our caves, too freezin’ cold to fight
You’ve got me started now, on my high pet hobby horse
I should be in the here and now, not reminiscing with the Norse
We’re in the twenty tens now, the Chilcot clan is keen
We have a new appointment from Her Majesty the Queen
To keep our leaders cosy, this is our commission
To cover their arses in the chill wind of rendition
Special thinking was required, and specialist advice
For duck and goose and derry down no longer would suffice
To heat the blood of Englishmen with murderous chilblains
And frozen hearts, and madness and slush throughout their veins
And Chilcot made a duvet, and according to the logs
We soon achieved a factor of seven million togs
By working in secret and total obedience
And using the finest human ingredients
Our donors are raised in the desert and mountain air
Which explains the high quality of the harvest of hair
And the skin so elastic, the bonemeal so plump
And the flesh so succulent cut from the rump
And the blood and saliva we turn into dyes
And the buttons and poppers we make out of eyes
And zippers constructed from fragments of teeth
And pockets excised from dark corners beneath
On this urgent mission we send our armed forces
To collect these precious human resources
In the Afghan passes, on the dunes of Iraq
The peasants give their lives for the warmth upon our back
They give their wives and children, they give their final breath
All for the Chilcot miracle, the duvet of death
Round here, people like their music in seventeen four
Mostly
© Nick Weldon March 2010
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